Um inferno florido num contínuo renascimento da alma

O coração bate e bate....

A alma vai sendo desmembrada..

Fumo um cigarro e não olho para o relógio...

Procuro o meu tigre...

Procuro a minha gata...

A fantástica Ilvie desenhada pelo artista argentino mister ED.

Num qualquer oceano esquecido, imagino um vento que me sussurra algo ao ouvido...

Penso no filme "o estranho mundo de jack" de Tim Burton...

Imagino o terror do deus morfeu e de como baloiça os sonhos e os pesadelos nas suas mãos enquanto vai agarrando areia que encontra numa qualquer praia...

Observo com exactidão, um lugar para onde suspiro...

Não penso muito, sou desgarrado...

Olho para todos os lados e toda a gente parece que vai a correr em direção a um precipicio, sempre a olhar para as horas, enquanto eu caminho calmo com os meus sentimentos e as minhas recordações numa caixa toráxica que vai sendo amassada com fumo inalado para os meus pulmões...

Falam-me de uma personagem de banda desenhada chamada Valentina e de trabalho e trabalho, como se as ideias surgissem do nada...

Por vezes sinto-me cansado, outras meio abandonado á sua sorte e enquanto percorro as ruas da cidade que me viu nascer e na qual irei provavelmente falecer, vou olhando para todo o lado...

Na igreja da Sé do Porto

Sinto o meu coração arrancado, sinto algo que bate e bate como um relógio suíço.

Por vezes recordo-me das minhas memórias e de um tigre em cima de uma mera televisão ou de como as minhas gatas corriam, comiam e miavam enquanto me olhavam olhos nos olhos..

A minha primeira gatinha Jacky junto a um tigre de peluche

As minhas fantásticas gatas : Jacky, Maya e Nuala

A minha fantástica gata pimpolha 

Falam-me de muito coisa ao mesmo tempo e vou agindo por instinto num mundo capitalista e egoísta que não quero entender.

- Um falso desequilíbrio, poderá ser todo o equilíbrio que irás ter na tua vida.

Alguém me diz isto.

 Continuo a caminhar sem destino, sem pensamento e com alguma emoção.

 Trabalho e trabalho e trabalho, sem saber muito bem para quê ou para quem.

 Continuam a falar-me de princípios, valores, sentimentos enquanto eu vou escutando e tentando construir o puzzle de 20.000 peças que está na minha mente.

 Tenho 43 anos e não enterro nada ou ninguém nas minhas memórias ou recordações, pois tento ter um discurso directo e introspectivo para mim mesmo.

 Alguém comunica comigo acerca da vida enquanto vou tentando retirar fantasmas do meu armário.

 Olho para a minha comida e por vezes o sabor da mesma é indigesto, outras tem o sabor de todos os paladares do mundo.

 Olho para as minhas sobrinhas ou para fotos da minha família e dos meus amigos e parecem-me somente dispositivos do puzzle que tento construir no meu coração e mente.

 Vislumbro o rio douro e a ponte D. Luis na Invicta enquanto murmuro algo para as suas águas.

 Lembro-me de frases como : "Descobre o tigre que há em ti" ou "Tu és mais forte que o super-homem" 

 Recordo-me de vários momentos em que me pediram a minha semente num claro objectivo de ter filhos...

 Esqueço-me de muita coisa... Imagens, pessoas, caras, corpos que ficam deformados ou alinhavados com o tempo...

 Olho para o relógio... Observo uma ampulheta...

 Com alguma destreza vou observando o meu telemóvel que fica sem comunicação (como se de uma mera pedra se tratasse).

 Continuo sem pensar enquanto olho para o mar numa mera tentativa de com a mente o abraçar.

 Toco no meu rosto, toco na minha cabeça que explode e explode e explode.

 Só caminho num qualquer percurso complicado de fazer, onde por vezes me sinto como uma mosca apanhada numa teia de aranha.

 Vou imaginando livros na minha cabeça por mim organizados no meio do caos, só com a ajuda de papéis e um mero IPad.

 Penso em quadros alinhavados em exposições contemplativas pelo mundo fora que alguém poderá apreciar.

 Vou continuando a pensar na metamorfose de corpos numa narrativa nunca perdida ou esquecida.

 Vícios, hábitos, rotinas vão me sendo constantemente sonegados como se eu estivesse a fazer um mero papel numa peça de teatro onde os figurantes valem muito mais que os actores principais.

 Olho para o sorriso da minha sobrinha mais nova e de como adora organizar os meus livros.

 Continuo a olhar fixamente para uma foto emoldurada da minha gatinha Ilvie e por vezes sinto-me perdido e outras nas quais vou-me encontrando e outras em que me sinto esquecido.

 Vou esquecendo as palavras, música, livros, arte contemplativa ou mesmo pessoas enquanto olho para uma mera televisão onde passa um jogo de futebol.

 Tomo um café, fumo um cigarro, como algo, caminho sem destino como se fosse uma mera marioneta movida por alguém.

Com a minha gatinha Jacky ainda bébé 

 Não penso, logo sonho, dizem-me que não existo, logo persisto.

 Encadeio palavras e palavras misturadas com imagens no tal puzzle de 20.000 peças que estou a construir lentamente.

 Escuto sons, tento ser movido pelo olfacto, pela visão, pelo tacto.

 O meu coração continua a bater lentamente enquanto vislumbro árvores nuas com raízes estendidas no solo.

 Olho para uma mera t-shirt e vejo a minha gatinha Ilvie com um desenho incrível do artista argentino mister ED.

T-shirt com desenho da minha gatinha Ilvie pelo artista argentino mister ED 

 Carrego numa mochila dois livros que tenho medo de ler, pois as suas narrativas podem destruir o meu sonho de construir o quadro gigantesco com 20.000 peças que estou a construir.

 Dizem-me para ir para outro sítio, outro ponto deste planeta azul e respirar um tipo de oxigénio diferente.

 Continuo a olhar para o relógio, continuo a olhar para uma mera foto emoldurada, continuo a ver papéis que escrevi e escrevi ao longo da minha existência.

 Não penso na minha identidade, não reajo quando me dizem coisas que não entendo, mas penso para mim mesmo qual seria a minha reacção num local diferente onde tentam me ameaçar com algo que desconheço.

 Vou pensando num livro com páginas arrancadas, colocadas dentro de garrafas e lançadas ao mar e o coração continua a bater e bater enquanto tento imaginar o que irei fazer.

 Para a minha gatinha Ilvie 

Manuel Espírito Santo

A feeling called life, a feeling called love - A happy birthday to a princess - Identity exhibition

A life together 

I clearly remember being lost in 1991 

I clearly remember finding you in 1992 

I clearly remember the perfume that you wore and the clothes that you were wearing.

I clearly remember how we danced gazing into each other eyes and hearts like the end of the world was approaching.

I was shouting at a Depeche Mode concert in 1993 in Porto and you were in my heart.

I was yelling at a Einstürzende Neubauten concert in 1993 in Lisbon and you were in my soul.

I was living in a room in 1993 and I clearly remember how you shared your bread with me every single day in a magical garden in Porto.

I was living for you and you were living for me.

It was you who gave me the strength when I couldn't understand how to work with a PC in 1992.

It was you who told me that I could be a leader of men when I was only a teenager while working with international brands such as Robert Bosch, BMW, John Deere, Ikea and Donnay then.

It was you, who believed in me and helped me get the best degrees in an English and German exams in Portugal and it was you who went to the University and paid for my studies with our money in order for me to have an excellent scholarship and you were always in my mind and soul.

I remember when we first danced and looked into one another while a song named "so alive" was being played by Love & Rockets - the band.

I remember when we married at your birthday 11 March 1995 being myself your special present to you and that we had then our first kitty together in that same year in our own house named Jacky and that was pure and white as snow because of a cartoon that we both loved.

I remember when my grandma died and you immediately told me to take care of the dog that I gave her named Rozz for her company (and he was an amazing dog). 

I remember when we had our second kitty in 1997 named Nuala because of she being the keeper of Morpheus house in The Sandman comic book character created by british writer Neil Gaiman that we both personally met in 2004 and that we found starving and alone as a baby in Lisbon.

I remember when we had our third kitty Maya named after the hindu goddess of ilusion that was starving and almost dying near our house in 2000. 

I remember all your smiles..

All your heart and soul. 

All your jealousy. 

All my jealousy. 

All our memories together with writers, books, music, movies directors and lots of real life stories.

I clearly remember when you wanted me to have a driver's license in 1996 and you gathered our money to pay for it and you surprised me with it when my head was collapsing due to my grandmother that was everything to me named Luzia Faria was murdered (that is the name of one of my nieces from my brother Pedro can you even imagine this?)

I clearly remember that you were at my side when my grandpa Manuel Espírito Santo died.

Our love was true, honest and sincere.

We were everything one to the other: father, mother, lover, best friend, so who was I loving besides you? 

I remember that in 2000 my fragile body collapsed and I stayed in bed for more than 6 months and it was you who were there taking care of me.

I also remember being a bastard when I had my third nervous breakdown due to excess of work I n 2002.

I remember when we had our fourth kitty named Pimpolha in 2003.

I remember when we were loving the love that two dogs named Baltazar and Beatriz had one for the other and how you smiled at me or even when I was translating The nightmare before christmas by Tim Burton to Filipinha and playing with her after work every single day for years until midnight (she's a woman now) and also with her cousin Cátia. (That seems a model now)

I remember when I was on the verge of losing my life in 2000 at dawn without any kind of strength that I couldn't even move and that you jumped in front of a car in order for it to take us both to the hospital.

I remember your fragile body in the hospital in 2002 and 2003 and my head spinning and spinning without feeling any breath at all and I've felt my heart collapsing because of your life and health.

I remember how I loved you and how you loved me when we were divorcing ourselves in 2004 (I was asking for the divorce because of your health and I was total in love with you while saying that the divorce was better because of your own health and my heart was still burning and burning for you) while you were asking me for a baby child to have a forever a part of me with you forever.

I remember how you fought everyone that stood against me while I did the same to you.

You were my dream come true, you told me lots of times that I was everything to you and you were everything to me in my life, always side by side, no matter what.

Since 2004, after we divorced, I do fight with words (I think that I'm a fighter like you're) while communicating with my heart and soul to all human beings and animals all over the world.

Lots of times I remember our love, since we had an excellent love story, I remember when I've met another woman and after we split in 2007, she stole all our kitties: Jacky, Nuala, Maya and Pimpolinha.

 I shouted at the world, I yelled at the ocean, trying to find a sign from you.

 I remember listening to Mogwai's song "Mogwai fear Satan" then.

 I remember loving another woman when I was reciting a text about Porto that was the city that we both lived in and how lots of times you told me to do this with my own written words.

  I saw an abandoned kitty in the street in 2010 that I've brought to a home with another woman.

 Her name is Ilvie, can you imagine it? 

 We sang lots of times the song of Wickie and Ilvie during the 12 years that we were together from 1992 until 2004.

 So, she was part of me and part of my memories of you with this act, somebody stole me once again in June 2017 not only the kitty that I've brought from the streets in 2010 and that it's the being that I love most in the world, but also some memories of us and who we were.

 Some people tried to kill me, to steal me, to put me in jail because of lies that I've easily detected.

 I wasn't understanding a thing after this split, since I was only asking some pictures of my kitty Ilvie with me, my work, my personal documents and even important post due to health among other very important stuff, because of life as a couple with this person.

 I've fought with mind, heart and soul against several people like a tiger without words with a wound in my left foot that enabled me to walk.

 When people tell me that I'm weak, I do show them how strong I am with everything that you taught me since we met in 1992 while you were naming me your "little tiger" every single day when I was awakening to go to work with your soft voice that still echoes in my mind.

 I had to shout loud for the world to listen to this with the help of several excellent international artists that I've instantly comunicated with in several languages while thinking on you with your soul and spirit guiding me.

 I've continued shouting when somebody was telling lies about who I am (when you taught me a lot about life in bad times and you were my support in every single thing).

I instantly curated another exhibition with the help of more excellent international artists telling who I was, like you always told me to do while they were also gathering their memories and common people's memories aswell in an awesome coffeeshop at Porto named Boémia as observers with their own selfportraits, since I'm sure that they know more about life than myself.

 Today is your birthday princess and I don't know where or how you're.

 I don't know how our kitties that we brought from the streets together also are.

 I don't know how the kitty that I brought from the street named Ilvie is.

 But I do know one thing, that past, present and future always collide in my heart and soul lots of times with you on my mind and spirit.

 I know who you are to me.

 Probably you know who I am to you.

 But nothing else matters princess, since I'm pretty sure that you're smiling at the world and the world is smiling back at thee.

 I never forget our promise every single year.

 A simple whisper, a simple flower, a simple smile, a single spirit in a magical garden in Porto.

 Today is your day (you were born in Oliveira do Hospital near Coimbra in 1974) and you were always my guiding star, like I think that I was yours.

 Happy birthday wandering star and hope that life is filling your spirit, flesh, bones, heart and soul with the strength that I know that you've.

Just love and be loved in return and always "find the tiger within yourself" like you always told me to do it.

The world is mad, people confuse theirs and other people feelings, but our feelings toward one another were always true and we know that words always carry reality with simple messages like this opened letter that I'm writing to you.

Kisses from the bottom of my heart and I know that the strength that I've, it was given from you to me in a single special kind of energy that we always had when we were together.

Happy birthday sweet princess and you know that you're the most precious flower that life gave me.

Manuel Espírito Santo